My tiny human turned 1 year old last week. As we looked back on his year, his nurse and I talked about what milestones he’s achieved in such a short period of time. Recognizing us, and being able to call us Mama and Dada. Sitting became rolling, and rolling became crawling, and just a couple months ago, he took his first steps. Now, we’re lucky if we can keep up with him. He’s learned how to throw a ball and if I hold my hand out, he’ll hand it to me. He’s also figured out how to use a phone, and in the most adorable manner, holds his hand to his ear or the back of his head when he hears it ring. Watching him grow this year, I am filled with amazement, and truly, have never been so proud of anything in my entire life.
While measuring his milestones, I’ve been in a position to examine my own life and see where I measure up. Disappointed, I heard myself sigh, “I thought I’d be further along by now.” This is unfortunately a sentiment echoed by many in our community. Friends who thought they’d be in ministry by now, married with children or in their dream career, all still grinding it out, day after day in the same thing they were doing this time 3 or 4 years ago. It’s disheartening, to say the least, especially when I see my little one growing and progressing so quickly. The desire for change, to go from crawling to walking to running, is ever present, but the belief in that ability tapers off as another year passes in my current state. I mean, I’m 30 years old, in a job I swore I’d never be in at this stage and a fear I had when I was 16 has paralyzed me to the point that I don’t have a driver’s license. I really thought I’d be further along by now.
If I were to imagine what the steps of my life life look like, I see lots of circles, loop-de-loops, and many, many turn-arounds. In some areas, I've taken more steps than I needed to accomplish simple things, and in others, I've left the briefest of imprints of just my toes in the areas my heart cries to dance in. In the middle of this, the LORD brings to mind a different picture through His word. He calls to mind that there are very few full body imprints on the floor in which I walk, indicating that since I have started to follow Him, that I may have dropped to my knees occasionally, if not often, but I have not fallen. He reminds me that it’s because He holds my hand, and makes my steps firm. (Psalm 37:23-24)
He also points out that the areas I wandered into, thinking “this could be fun,” and compares them to the the areas I was made for. The areas I was made for, whether it be in the lives of my dearest friends, or my marriage to the only man I ever saw myself having a child with, or even pouring myself out in thought and writing or cooking or worshiping, all have this deep, concrete foundation. These are things that no matter what stage of life I've been in, have endured. They have been tested and tried through blistering fires, and have come out reinforced. He reminds me through this picture that man will make their plans, but it is the LORD who establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9) It is His greatest pleasure to encourage me in the direction where I will be abundantly who I was created as. He leads me to these places by giving me solid ground in which to stand on and even when that ground shifts or doesn't look like what I expected it to, it’s substantial.
I'm not trying to say that having goals and desires are bad things and I would be a liar if I didn't mention that the procrastination my life is riddled with is directly linked to fears of failure, or fears of my life being invalidated through that failure. It’s probably about time that I get my driver’s license. It’s probably about time I start listening to the sound of my feet move on the sturdy places the LORD has given me to stand. Maybe you’re like me, and for as much as you want progress, it is terrifying to think you could throw yourself at something you thought would be awesome only to have it crumble to dust around you. If you’re in that place, I completely understand. A previously failed marriage, a business plan that my whole heart went into, that had the entire support of my community, rejected and every single missions trip I’ve been on I have gotten so sick or so injured that it pretty much ruined my trip and any impact I might have had. Failure is the worst feeling, and lays at your feet the question, “Why bother?” I’m telling you why, because there is always another opportunity, and every step you take leads you closer to the three most important goals in life: authenticity, maturity and wholeness. Maybe you’re like some of my friends, who have patiently waited for the opportunity to be fully you to present itself and it just hasn’t happened yet. I encourage you, you are in great company. Even Jesus waits for the culmination of bringing His bride to Himself. There are many verses in the bible which speak of waiting on or for the LORD, but all of them hinge on knowing one thing about God: He is faithful in ALL that He does. (Psalm 33:4) You have not been forgotten, and Jesus said that He came to give you abundant life. (John 10:10) Continue to walk in faith, following after Jesus, believing that He upholds the hands of those who walk with Him. I like the idea of adding an honest parent’s prayer. Whether you are or aren’t a parent, if this resonates with you, feel free to pray with me.
Abba, as I look at my little one, I am amazed at all he has done and can do in his first year of life. I am so amazed that to look at my own life, I feel so inadequate. My pride for him reveals the contempt I have for myself. Forgive me for holding such judgments against who You call me. Forgive me for letting fear of whether or not I succeed determine the value of my very existence. Forgive me for disobeying and not trusting You when You have lead me into what I see as treacherous waters. Teach me what it means to walk with You. Show me how my steps are established. Give me grace for myself. Conquer my anxiety so that I may walk confidently in the areas you have called me to and made me for. I declare that my life will not be settled by might, nor by power, but by Your Spirit. Thank you, Jesus, for walking beside me, regardless of where I step. You are mighty to save, Your love stands firm and Your faithfulness is established in heaven itself.
