Wait... that's not Mama!

We were at a Vietnamese restaurant grabbing a quick lunch the other day, and playing swordfighting with chopsticks. My little one was pealing with delight, but then his attention shifted to the other patrons walking through the door. Every woman who walked in, he was calling out to, "Mama!" I was taken aback by his attempt to grab their attention. "I'm right here," I would say. Quickly, I became frustrated. Many of you have read the account of when I was first endowed this title, and the pivotal moment it was for me. It felt as though something that meant so much to me was being given to others who had not comforted my son in the middle of the night, had not nursed him for 13 months, who had no actual interest in him. "They're not Mama. I'M MAMA!" He smiled at me, but kept hitting the table and calling out. I slumped back in my chair, deflated and sad.

And then I heard the still small Voice whisper, "And Lisa, not everything you cry out to is Me, either.

I gritted my teeth as soft expletives left my lips. Conviction doesn't feel good, but conviction that catches us off guard is probably the worst. Especially where I was feeling like all I wanted was my son's attention, and he was just freely calling out to anyone who would look in his direction, using my title.

I'm reminded in scripture of the Exodus, and how in chapter 13, the Israelites are rallied together, and expelled from Egypt. Then, in chapter 14, Pharaoh's army pursues them, and they cross over the river Jordan on completely dry land before the water engulfs the army, drowning them. And finally in chapter 15, Miriam and Moses sing about God's holiness and goodness to His people. This picture changes nearly completely by the time we get to chapter 32, where Moses is on top of Mt. Sinai talking to God, and the people approach Aaron saying, "We don't know what happened to Moses. Make us gods that will go before us (as they continued in the desert)." Aaron commanded they relinquish all their gold and fashioned a calf for them saying, "This is the god who led you out of Egypt." (vs 4)  He then built an altar before it and said the next day would be a festival to the LORD (referring to the calf.) The people then brought burnt offerings to it, and bowed down and worshiped before engaging in all kinds of revelry. (vs 5)

He actually used God's personal name to refer to this calf he fashioned with his own hands. This is the same Aaron that did wonders and miracles in the name of God as Moses' spokesman before Pharaoh. The same Aaron who woke up to the wonder of manna on the desert floor every morning, enough to feed the entire camp. The Aaron who was the first high priest, whose blessing we still pronounce as a typical benediction in services around the world.

Like Aaron, I have seen the hand of God move on behalf of many, and have heard Him speak directly into my life. I've been a part of His moving through the lives of others, in such a clear way. Yet I too have cried out for other gods to go before me as I trek through some of the hardest times in my life. I have worshiped at the altars of control and power, given offerings to worry and lust and cried out for direction from bitterness and resentment. Oftentimes, my prayers sound like I'm referring to God, but if they were scrutinized, it would be clear that I'm not.

Thankfully, the story doesn't end there. Though punishment did come for the disobedience, God relented in His anger, and restored Israel. Today, we live in a state of restoration, through a Savior whose desire wasn't to condemn the world, but save it, and did so by taking the offense of my sin onto himself. When I receive His conviction, it's His kindness leading me to repentance, as He knows idols made from my hands are only as powerful as I am, which isn't very much at all.

Abba, thank You for giving me a glimpse of Your frustration when I cry out to others for help, guidance or strength. Thank you also for gently guiding me back to pursuing Your voice in seasons where I'm not sure where You are, and I haven't heard a word in what seems like a long time. Give me the faith to believe that even when I'm not sure which direction You're coming from, that You are before me as I continue to trek through this desert season we're in. Let Your glory consume all others that would offer themselves in worship, that my family would live in a state of radiance from Your presence with us. Cut off that which would produce any doubt that Your love for us is endless. Thank you for using my little one to guide me back to you. In Jesus name.