I'm right here (Always)

My son woke up the other day absolutely hysterical. As I ran into his room, I noticed his eyes were closed, his backside was in the air, and he was rolling and wriggling around in his crib and he had no idea that I was only a foot away from him. I stayed quiet for about a minute to see if he would open his eyes, as that’s all he would have to do to notice my presence. Eventually, I whispered, “Hey… I’m right here.” He stopped crying immediately and stood in his crib, reaching eagerly for me. He cried out for my presence, and when he had it, he was fine, but it took him awhile to figure out I was there, because he was so consumed with feeling alone, he didn’t even open his eyes to look for me. I talk to a lot of believers today that tell me that they don’t hear from God or sense God in their lives. That maybe they heard Him at a retreat a few years ago, or maybe when they were younger, but even then, they’re not sure it was God. They’ve told me that they tried praying, but feel like they’re talking to themselves, so they stop. They assume that because they don’t hear something, or feel something, that God isn’t there.

We may not always tangibly sense it, but God is always present with us. In Isaiah, He says His covenant with us is that His presence will be with us always, and that His words are in the mouth of the descendents of that time on to forever. (Isaiah 59:21) And Jesus, before returning to the Father, left His disciples with these words, “Surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20) I think the word choice God used is so important for us to understand: always. Always is defined as, “every time; on every occasion; without exception.” Every time. Every Occasion. Without Exception. Let that sink in to your particular situation.

I think sometimes, God stands right behind us, to see if we’ll turn around, open our eyes and reach for Him, or if we’ll let our feelings of being alone or abandoned in our distress consume us. I was seriously 6 inches away from my son, but I’m sure if you ask him, I was nowhere, and he was in the dark, left alone for a long time. Some might ask why I didn’t immediately say something, or touch him and reassure him, but it’s because he knows my presence, and I wanted him to act on what he knows of my character and not what his feelings were presenting. God has proven Himself good and faithful, despite what my circumstances say, and when I can’t feel Him or hear Him, whether it’s because the noise is too loud, or the impending doom is overwhelming, I will turn my eyes until I find Him, because I can trust He is never far away, and usually, He’s much closer than I expect Him to be.

I know I make it sound easy, but understand, I know what it’s like to frantically search for God. During my maternity leave, I said, “We are so screwed,” more than anything else. The money wasn’t adding up, the bills were getting higher, calls from creditors more frequent, all while our needs continued to go unmet. It was hard to find God, but we did, and He was so close, with hands open and full of blessing and mercy. Even as I write this, I sense that some of you reading this are like the disciples in the boat with Jesus (from Mark 4), where the waves are so fierce, and the wind is so loud, and you see Jesus, but you aren’t sure if He cares enough not to let you drown. To you, I say God is always working things for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) Knowing that He is with you means you can trust in His strength, which is perfected in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 2:9)  

If you need to know God is with you today, pray with me that He would reveal Himself, and that you would learn what His presence feels like; That His presence would linger like the sweet smell of incense in your home, and that the weight of His glory would shadow you. And that as you become familiar with His presence, that His heart would be revealed to you, that He is for you, and His character is one who never goes back on His promises. He said He is with you always.

Abba, I feel like there is a wall between us, where I can’t tell if You’re there. I can hear a thousand times that you are with me, but it just doesn’t feel like it, and more often than not, I feel like I’m just talking to myself. But despite how I feel, I cry out and ask You to reveal Yourself. That you would open my eyes to see Your hand, and attune my spirit to Your presence. Mark me with peace, that You are with me, no matter how fierce the waves are or how loud the wind blows. Cradle me in Your presence that I might hear Your heart, and Your love for me. Create in me a faith that believes You are faithful to Your promises, and You promised to never leave me. Thank You for being faithful to me, and for never being more than an arm’s length away. In Jesus name.

If you prayed and would like to share what the Lord has done in your life, or if you would like continued prayer, please comment or send me a message. I love to rejoice in the work God brings through this, and pray for those it touches. May God continue to reach us through our children. <3

Restrained

If there is one part of every day that’s a constant battle, it’s bed time. My son absolutely hates to go to sleep. Some nights, he crawls up into my arms, lays his head down, and falls asleep, but even then, that’s usually somewhere between 10 and 11pm. Most nights, though, it’s an hour of screaming, coupled with being punched or scratched in the face, kicked repeatedly and having to restrain him until he finally realizes he’s just tired and gives in. I would say that last night was the worst night we’ve had to date. At one point, I actually had to swaddle him, and when that didn’t work, I finally woke my husband up and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. The night before, he'd gotten up 5 times, and last night seemed like an all night affair between the two of us. I wish I could reason with him, and just say, Hey! You’re just tired! If you close your eyes, you’ll fall asleep, and everything will be cool. He’s instead so focused on what he wants, he completely misses what he needs, and needs to be restrained in order to see the full picture.

When I think about the idea of being restrained, Jonah is usually the first person to come to mind. God requested that he go to Nineveh to preach to the people, saying that their wickedness wouldn’t be tolerated anymore. Jonah didn’t like the Ninevites, though, and knew that God would be merciful if they repented, so he decided to go the opposite direction. God saw Jonah’s disobedience, and sent a storm, which got Jonah thrown over the boat he was on, once the crew had discovered what he had done. God then caused a whale/big fish to swallow Jonah, swim to Nineveh and vomit him up there. In half hearted obedience, Jonah then gave the most lackluster sermon to date, but all of Nineveh repented and turned back to God. If you’ve never read Jonah, it’s 4 short chapters, and shows you the lengths God will take to get a message to his people.

You see, God had no problem restraining Jonah. There was a greater purpose, a bigger message, and Jonah’s prejudice couldn’t get in the way of God’s love. Jonah just saw what he wanted, and went for it. In chapter 4, he actually wishes death on himself, after he sees God’s gracious response to Nineveh. God asks him if he has the right to be angry, and points out that as His creation, He has great concern for the people and livestock of Nineveh, who numbered more than 120,000 who were so lost, they “couldn’t tell their right hand from their left.”

Sometimes, I wonder if I react to what God has called me to the way my son reacts to sleep and subsequently, the way Jonah reacted to being sent to Nineveh. I see very clearly what I want. It usually has to do with achieving my own happiness. Most recently, this has manifested itself in my desire to move back home, to NY. San Diego is nice, but it’s a hard place, where making friends hasn’t been easy, despite our involvement in our church, and where finding work that satisfied our obligations was virtually impossible the first year we lived here. I nearly had my bags packed when my husband received a job offer that we couldn’t walk away from. The same week, we had friends back in NY call us and tell us that God was saying “stay in San Diego.” But why? I don’t want to stay here. I want to go home. I want real pizza and bagels and a pint of roast pork lo-mein. I want to drop my little guy off at my mom’s house so my husband and I can actually go out on a date, which we haven’t done except for once since he’s been born. My little picture takes up my entire vision, and I can’t see the sense in being called to stay here. Unlike Jonah, I didn’t decide to make a break for it and see if God would chase me and drag me back, but I’m not suddenly pleased with this change of plans. I most certainly feel restrained and held down, but I don’t want to be a kicking, screaming baby nor do I want to deliver a lackluster, minimal effort for as long as we’re here. I try to keep in mind that God is not restraining me to punish or to hurt me, or because he doesn’t care about my happiness. Neither my son or Jonah are restrained so that they can be hurt or punished, but out of love; my love for my son, and knowledge that he needs sleep to be happy and healthy, and God’s love for Nineveh, and His desire for them to know His mercy. I’m praying for vision greater than what I can see and for an increased sense of purpose for being asked to remain here.

If you feel stuck in your current situation and don’t feel released to leave, or overtly feel called to stay but it’s not what your plan was, feel free to pray with me. God isn’t offended by our frustration, and the only way to let Him into it is to tell Him about it.

Abba, I feel held down. My heart feels disappointed and frustrated because I had so much invested in the vision of coming out here, and it hurt so badly when it didn’t realize and actively fell apart. I can’t see the value in being here, and some days, I just want to sit in the dirt and cry about how much I would rather be elsewhere. But I know the same way I hold my son in place is for his good, even though he doesn’t understand, You are not holding me here to frustrate me, but for a greater reason than I can see. Increase my vision so I can see Your hand, and reveal Your purpose so I might partner with what You’re doing, instead of sulking the way Jonah did. I trust that You love my family, and never call us to purposeless things. I give you the desires of my heart, believing that You will have them realized in Your time. Thank You for Your enduring faithfulness. In Jesus name.