If there is one part of every day that’s a constant battle, it’s bed time. My son absolutely hates to go to sleep. Some nights, he crawls up into my arms, lays his head down, and falls asleep, but even then, that’s usually somewhere between 10 and 11pm. Most nights, though, it’s an hour of screaming, coupled with being punched or scratched in the face, kicked repeatedly and having to restrain him until he finally realizes he’s just tired and gives in. I would say that last night was the worst night we’ve had to date. At one point, I actually had to swaddle him, and when that didn’t work, I finally woke my husband up and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. The night before, he'd gotten up 5 times, and last night seemed like an all night affair between the two of us. I wish I could reason with him, and just say, Hey! You’re just tired! If you close your eyes, you’ll fall asleep, and everything will be cool. He’s instead so focused on what he wants, he completely misses what he needs, and needs to be restrained in order to see the full picture.
When I think about the idea of being restrained, Jonah is usually the first person to come to mind. God requested that he go to Nineveh to preach to the people, saying that their wickedness wouldn’t be tolerated anymore. Jonah didn’t like the Ninevites, though, and knew that God would be merciful if they repented, so he decided to go the opposite direction. God saw Jonah’s disobedience, and sent a storm, which got Jonah thrown over the boat he was on, once the crew had discovered what he had done. God then caused a whale/big fish to swallow Jonah, swim to Nineveh and vomit him up there. In half hearted obedience, Jonah then gave the most lackluster sermon to date, but all of Nineveh repented and turned back to God. If you’ve never read Jonah, it’s 4 short chapters, and shows you the lengths God will take to get a message to his people.
You see, God had no problem restraining Jonah. There was a greater purpose, a bigger message, and Jonah’s prejudice couldn’t get in the way of God’s love. Jonah just saw what he wanted, and went for it. In chapter 4, he actually wishes death on himself, after he sees God’s gracious response to Nineveh. God asks him if he has the right to be angry, and points out that as His creation, He has great concern for the people and livestock of Nineveh, who numbered more than 120,000 who were so lost, they “couldn’t tell their right hand from their left.”
Sometimes, I wonder if I react to what God has called me to the way my son reacts to sleep and subsequently, the way Jonah reacted to being sent to Nineveh. I see very clearly what I want. It usually has to do with achieving my own happiness. Most recently, this has manifested itself in my desire to move back home, to NY. San Diego is nice, but it’s a hard place, where making friends hasn’t been easy, despite our involvement in our church, and where finding work that satisfied our obligations was virtually impossible the first year we lived here. I nearly had my bags packed when my husband received a job offer that we couldn’t walk away from. The same week, we had friends back in NY call us and tell us that God was saying “stay in San Diego.” But why? I don’t want to stay here. I want to go home. I want real pizza and bagels and a pint of roast pork lo-mein. I want to drop my little guy off at my mom’s house so my husband and I can actually go out on a date, which we haven’t done except for once since he’s been born. My little picture takes up my entire vision, and I can’t see the sense in being called to stay here. Unlike Jonah, I didn’t decide to make a break for it and see if God would chase me and drag me back, but I’m not suddenly pleased with this change of plans. I most certainly feel restrained and held down, but I don’t want to be a kicking, screaming baby nor do I want to deliver a lackluster, minimal effort for as long as we’re here. I try to keep in mind that God is not restraining me to punish or to hurt me, or because he doesn’t care about my happiness. Neither my son or Jonah are restrained so that they can be hurt or punished, but out of love; my love for my son, and knowledge that he needs sleep to be happy and healthy, and God’s love for Nineveh, and His desire for them to know His mercy. I’m praying for vision greater than what I can see and for an increased sense of purpose for being asked to remain here.
If you feel stuck in your current situation and don’t feel released to leave, or overtly feel called to stay but it’s not what your plan was, feel free to pray with me. God isn’t offended by our frustration, and the only way to let Him into it is to tell Him about it.
Abba, I feel held down. My heart feels disappointed and frustrated because I had so much invested in the vision of coming out here, and it hurt so badly when it didn’t realize and actively fell apart. I can’t see the value in being here, and some days, I just want to sit in the dirt and cry about how much I would rather be elsewhere. But I know the same way I hold my son in place is for his good, even though he doesn’t understand, You are not holding me here to frustrate me, but for a greater reason than I can see. Increase my vision so I can see Your hand, and reveal Your purpose so I might partner with what You’re doing, instead of sulking the way Jonah did. I trust that You love my family, and never call us to purposeless things. I give you the desires of my heart, believing that You will have them realized in Your time. Thank You for Your enduring faithfulness. In Jesus name.
Sometimes God just works that way, keeping a person in a place which does not seem the right one. I went through that for about a dozen years, when things where I lived and where I worked (which were, for a few years, the same space) were becoming more and more difficult due to spiritual and psychological abuse by some of the people in positions of authority. Each time I prayed to God asking that He would open the next door and deliver me from this situation, His answer was pretty much the same. He would bring before my mind one or two of the students I was mentoring and make it clear that I had to stay where I was until after they graduated. Each time there was a graduation and I thought it would be time to leave, the Lord would bring yet another person to mind. After more than a decade of this, I began to see why I was supposed to stay. The abusive situations are now in the past, and those people are no longer in those positions of authority. The message to me has been clear, in retrospect: I needed to stay where I was during those difficult times in order to be present during the good ones that followed. While this might not necessarily apply to your situation, I share it because perhaps God is hinting at better times that will come to you where you are now. In any case, I will continue praying that God reveals Himself, His loving Presence, to you as you walk forward.
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