Do this now!!

My son has a new habit of when he wants something, he'll grab my or my husband's hand and guide it to what he wants. Books, bubbles, turn this toy on, fill my cup, get me food, all communicated by grabbing our hand and putting it on what he wants us to fulfill for him. If we don't immediately, he'll obsess over getting us to do his bidding, continuously moving our hand back to the object of desire and within a minute, throw a full out fit. I've written before on how I wish he felt like he could trust me with his needs and wants and how I'm not holding out on him, but it seems even now, at 21 months, he has no sense of security in my nature; no assurance that I always want what's best for him, and yes, that I want him happy. I wonder why this is, since he's never gone without having his needs met, but I think it must be that in the moment of desire, that's all he can see. It is the loudest voice in his head, the most urgent alarm in his heart, and it demands to be satisfied immediately.

The disciples experienced something similar with Jesus, in Luke 8, where a squall came over the lake they were crossing and in a moment of panic, they woke Jesus, yelling, "MASTER! WE ARE PERISHING!!" It is obvious at that point they did not know the full extent of Jesus' power and ability, though they had seen him raise a boy from the dead, heal many people and even bestow forgiveness to a paralyzed man upon restoring him. They had no assurance that Jesus had their best in mind, no sense of security in his presence. Whether or not Jesus was in the boat with them, they were going to die, or so they thought. Jesus sat up, rebuked the wind and waves and then turned to his friends, asking, "Where is your faith? I recently learned that the word faith can also be translated as trust, and Jesus may has well have been saying, "Why don't you trust me?" The disciples looked at each other with fear and amazement, saying, "Who is this man, that even the wind and waves obey him?"

In truth, I had no intention on sharing my current struggle with this, but felt the need to in the interest of full disclosure. Much like my toddler, despite all the evidence that proves otherwise, I feel as though I have no assurance, no security in Jesus' presence with me. More often than not, I say that His presence isn't what I want, but His intervention. I just want bad things to not happen, and I want the plans I come up with to be honored and blessed. I'm like my son, guiding the Father's hand to what I think I need most and say, "Do this now!" In those moments, those needs consume all of my focus and I am completely unable to see where He has come through in the past; I declare that God has abandoned me before taking resentful control of my situation, and walking away in a huff, deciding if God won't give me what I want, I will get it myself. Usually, this ends with a friend or two expressing concern, and pointing out all the places God has provided my daily bread, and even if I had to wait, or if things didn't go the way I planned, that He has come through. They encourage me to see the forest for the trees, take a step back, and remember that for every urgent matter that has come up in my life, God has continued to deliver me. And you know what? None of it makes me feel any better about what God isn't doing right this second. 

I share this with you because I don't think I'm alone. Trust is hard in any relationship, and it doesn't seem any easier when life has been disappointing, when prayers have been met with silence, and when our best plans blow up in our faces. The reason we have such a hard time trusting God is because He doesn't offer security beyond His presence. "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, for the LORD your God goes with you wherever you go," "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you," "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me." (Deuteronomy 31:6, Isaiah 43:2, Psalm 23) Throughout scripture, His promise to us in the midst of trial is his very self. When most of our needs are so tangible, presence doesn't seem like it's enough, but I think that proves Jesus' point that much like the disciples, we don't understand who's with us.

I know I usually end with a prayer, but this time, I ask that you would pray for my family in this time. Faith (certainty in what we do not see,) and Hope (confidence in what we do not have,) are not satisfying the urgent cries of our hearts, and while our church is engaging in their yearly Leap of Faith, where we go to God with what matters most to us, my husband and I are looking at our lives, asking where God fits into anything right now. My friends have been faithful in pointing out blessing after blessing in our lives, and the alarm that screams, "Do this now!" overrides their voices. I feel resentful at being built so resourceful, and even though I can see the manna on the ground for today, I am angry that there is only enough for this moment, and I am consumed with worry for what the next moment will demand of us, while looking at depleted bank accounts, cupboards and strength. If you are in our boat and can relate to what we're experiencing, I'm sorry. I can only say that I hope and pray that we are proven wrong in the most magnificent way imaginable. But if you are firmly planted, looking at our situation from dry land, remembering what it was like to be in the midst of the storm, please keep us in your prayers, that we would trust that in His presence is the fullness of joy, and at his right hand, pleasures forevermore, which He desires to give to us. Thank you.